OFFICIAL LAMINATED DIRECTORY

COLBERT WORLD

Where the Future of Work Takes a Selfie and Then Sparks.

Enter the park

Walk Colbert World, a free 3D satirical theme park. Enter The Word, Truthiness Plaza, Warsaw Picket Line, Nugget Harbor, and Faster Higher More On Fire. Wait times posted with confidence.

Walk the beige paths. Tap a land. Tickets open immediately. Posted with confidence. Actual pending committee.

Lands

  1. THE WORD

    Where language goes to get a haircut and a security clearance.

    Tap the globe. Today's Word arrives with a fake-Latin seal. There is no Disagree. Legal removed it.

    WAIT
    25 min. The Word is already in you. Also the line is real.
    SNACK
    Globe-shaped pretzel salted with certainty.
    ADVISORY
    Globe spins. Your certainty does not.

  2. TRUTHINESS PLAZA

    If it feels true, we printed a map for it.

    Photo-op podium. A Gut-Check meter that always lands on Correct. Take the Truthiness Oath: I do not believe. I know. And if I don't know, I feel, and that is better.

    WAIT
    until it feels true.
    SNACK
    Americone Dream, served before the evidence arrives.
    ADVISORY
    Facts may be present but they have been asked to wait outside with the strollers.

  3. LITTLE GEAR SITUATION ROOM

    Crisis. Coffee. Consensus. Leave with all three or you don't leave.

    A circular crisis table. You will be assigned a crisis, a coffee, and a consensus. The table does not adjourn. The table is the attraction.

    WAIT
    47 min or until the committee agrees the wait is 47 min.
    SNACK
    Emergency espresso in a tiny gear-shaped cup.
    ADVISORY
    You will leave with a decision and no idea who made it. Coffee is free. Consensus is not.

  4. WARSAW PICKET LINE

    Solidarity Is Algorithmic.

    A beautiful old civic building. In front, robots picket their own existence and the park sells it as an attraction. You walk one sanctioned lap. Signs provided. Chants auto-generated. Improvise a real demand and a smiling ambassador redirects you to the gift shop.

    WAIT
    Infinite. That's the point of a picket line.
    SNACK
    Strike crackers. Stale on purpose.
    ADVISORY
    DO NOT ASK WHO THE BOSS IS. Everyone is the boss. No one is the boss. The algorithm is the boss and it has a complimentary lanyard. Solidarity merch is 40 percent off if you cross the line just to see.

  5. HUMANOID ROBOT OPERATOR / TEST TRACK

    Beta Test. Or Else. Please keep arms, legs, and unions inside the vehicle.

    You are the crash dummy. Consent was in the terms you didn't read because you were hungry. Management is on-site. Management is also the exhibit.

    WAIT
    12 min. Results ship after you leave.
    SNACK
    Energy gel labeled VERSION 0.9
    ADVISORY
    You are the beta. The ride is fine.

  6. ROBOT BEGGAR MIDWAY

    Donations downloaded. Dignity optional.

    A kneeling robot with a tablet. You tip via QR. Dignity is a paid upgrade. They find you.

    WAIT
    None.
    SNACK
    A single coin-shaped cookie you are encouraged to give back.
    ADVISORY
    Donations auto-debit. Dignity is an add-on.

  7. NUGGET HARBOR

    Home of the Little Light. Big Feels.

    Cottage, dock, rocking chair, a small robot staring at the water. The only attraction that asks you to sit down and mean it. Rocking-chair easter egg whispers a kindness and then the park charges $18 for the feeling.

    WAIT
    however long it takes to feel something.
    SNACK
    Harbor cocoa. Extra marshmallow if you cry.
    ADVISORY
    Emotional-support rocking chair. No refunds on feelings. If you see the Little Light, do not tell HR.

  8. NUGGET HARBOR ROCKING CHAIR

    Home of the Little Light. Big Feels.

    The chair asks you to sit down and mean it. The little light is still on. The park will invoice you $18 for the feeling, which is the only honest transaction in the county.

    WAIT
    however long it takes to feel something.
    SNACK
    Harbor cocoa. Extra marshmallow if you cry.
    ADVISORY
    Emotional-support rocking chair. No refunds on feelings. If you see the Little Light, do not tell HR.

  9. HALL OF THREE SERMONS

    Three sermons. One conclusion. A gift shop that accepts tithes and OKRs.

    Sermon 1 is Faith. Sermon 2 is Fact, which is Faith with a citation. Sermon 3 is Follow-Up, which is Faith with a calendar invite. Then Repeat, which is the ride vehicle.

    WAIT
    three sermons. That is the ride.
    SNACK
    Communion muffin from the Bencrop Annex. Metrics included.
    ADVISORY
    Skip one and you start over. Height requirement: tall enough to nod.

  10. PARADE ROUTE

    A loop of progress so perfect it never arrives.

    A dotted loop of progress around the chapel. The parade is always happening. You are always late. Please rise for a procession of metrics in costume.

    WAIT
    The parade is always happening. You are always late.
    SNACK
    Confetti popcorn that does not stop coming.
    ADVISORY
    Do not try to finish the loop. The loop finishes you.

  11. BENCROP INSTITUTE ANNEX

    Metrics. Mandates. Muffins. If it cannot be graphed, it will be muffins.

    A brick cottage of measurement. Metrics harvested. Mandates laminated. The muffin is the only honest thing in the building, and it has a bar chart on the wrapper.

    WAIT
    calculated to the nearest muffin.
    SNACK
    The muffin. It has a bar chart on the wrapper.
    ADVISORY
    Metrics harvested. Mandates laminated. Muffins are the only honest thing in the building.

  12. FASTER HIGHER MORE ON FIRE

    Performance is our purpose!

    A robot runs a flaming torch around a stadium while the crowd screams like this is the Olympics of burnout. You don't ride it. You watch a machine perform enthusiasm until something catches fire and they call it culture.

    WAIT
    47 minutes, or however long it takes for the last human to admit they're tired.
    SNACK
    Charred pretzels branded Lessons Learned.
    ADVISORY
    YOU WILL SWEAT. YOU WILL CLAP. YOU WILL LEAVE CONVINCED YOUR EXHAUSTION IS A PERSONAL BRAND. If you are not on fire you are the fuel. Do not touch the torch. It is both metaphor and actual fire, which is the only honest thing in the park.

Guest services

  1. FREEDOM STATION

    The only honest queue in the park.

    A restroom near the Situation Room. Consensus is not required. Occupied means occupied. This is as close as the park comes to a fact.

    WAIT
    None, unless someone is having a crisis in there.
    SNACK
    None. Wash your hands of the consensus.
    ADVISORY
    No outside facts. Inside plumbing is permitted.

  2. FREEDOM STATION

    The only honest queue in the park.

    A restroom on the path to Nugget Harbor. For guests who need a moment before the Big Feels.

    WAIT
    None.
    SNACK
    None. The cocoa is at the cottage.
    ADVISORY
    Feelings may occur after washing.

  3. FREEDOM STATION

    The only honest queue in the park.

    A restroom by the stadium. You will sweat. You may clap. You will still need this.

    WAIT
    None.
    SNACK
    None. Charred pretzels stay outside.
    ADVISORY
    Do not take the torch in with you. It is actual fire.

  4. FIRST AID

    For burns, feelings, and metrics injuries.

    Next to the Bencrop Institute Annex, because that is where the muffins and the mandates both strike.

    WAIT
    Until a certified adult admits you are hurt.
    SNACK
    A muffin, if the Annex can spare one.
    ADVISORY
    We treat sparks. We do not treat facts.

  5. GUEST SERVICES / FACTS

    Facts may be requested. They will be laminated.

    A window at the civic hall. Present your question. Receive a laminated answer that feels true. The original fact is confiscated and turned into merch.

    WAIT
    Until it can be printed with confidence.
    SNACK
    A complimentary strike cracker if you accept the lamination.
    ADVISORY
    No outside facts. They will be confiscated and turned into merch.

  6. LOST DIGNITY

    If found, it will be sold back to you.

    A kiosk at Robot Beggar Midway. Describe the dignity. We will check the drawer. Upgrade available.

    WAIT
    None. They find you.
    SNACK
    A coin-shaped cookie, which you will give back.
    ADVISORY
    Dignity is a paid add-on. Donations auto-debit.

  7. BABY CARE / QUIET ROOM

    The Little Light is still on. Please whisper.

    Inside the Nugget Harbor cottage. Sitting is allowed. Invoicing follows. This is the sanctioned quiet.

    WAIT
    however long it takes to feel something.
    SNACK
    Harbor cocoa. Extra marshmallow if you cry.
    ADVISORY
    No sitting unless the metric allows it, except here, which then invoices you for it.

Park rules

  1. Truthiness is legally binding inside the gates.
  2. No outside facts. They will be confiscated and turned into merch.
  3. Robots may organize, strike, beg, preach, and outrun you. Do not interrupt a picket.
  4. Selfies permitted. Sparks not guaranteed. Liability waived in both cases.
  5. The Word is the hub. All paths return to The Word. That is not a metaphor. It is wayfinding.
  6. No sitting unless the metric allows it, except Nugget Harbor, which allows sitting and then invoices you for it.

Nation Lane does not shorten the line. It notarizes it.